I’ve forgotten how to live alone. What did I do before? 

 

This old beggar keeps me company. She’s silver faced these days. Her bark sounds like a frog burp. She walks slower, sleeps more but remains a great comfort, even when she waits for me to give her chicken bits from my chicken lo mein.  She’s sure it’s really her food but allows me to share. She gets doggie edibles CBD for her joints.  She can be stubborn when it’s time to come in from walks. Old but strong enough for tug of war. She’s my bestie . I do have human friends too. 

Remember Miss Bliss?

Life is either full blast and exhausting or so slow it’s boring. This cabin has crap internet that goes in and out. So I got myself a phone with a mobile hot spot. It’s reliable but I have to be careful of my usage or it slows way down. That frustrates me. I have never been a patient person. Probably because I have been spoiled most of my life.  Not recommended. When my first husband, the father of our 4 children was snatched out of our lives, we were dirt poor. I agonized over not being able to spoil them as much as I wanted to.  However, I believe that was a good thing now. Every single one of them are kind, compassionate and so giving. 

Me now

There’s such a thing as good solitary time. They want so much to help me and to lift my spirits. It can be overwhelming. Especially grand children. They give me joy, but their energy is exhausting. There are also many people who see me checking my house and mail who come to say nice things. I don’t mind that. They have good hearts. But I gotta tell you the lookie Lews make me crazy and mad. They want to know all the gory details, see the wreck of my house. I want to punch them in the noses. But I stand my ground and tell them that I’m not ready for that. These are people who didn’t know either of us. 

Tomorrow I will have a fast and crazy day. My son, Boo picks up my mail. He says that I have packages  to pick up. I’ll get those,. It’s a 45 minute drive each way up and back to Dumb Potters Hell. My house is at the east end of the gorge. The terrain turns from old growth Forrest to high plains dessert. It’s a twisty climb. The return is twisty down hill. Think bobsled race with cars.

Wild turkeys live here

 I have to call my MIL for the insurance claim number. He the guy in claims won’t accept my rent receipts without the number. He won’t even answer text messages. Ugh. I will get my money. He’s over $2,000 behind. I cannot afford to keep paying rent out of my savings. As is, the amount of my replacement of my things and furniture is only $2,500. Couch, chairs, mattresses, etc. I clearly will not have enough to replace them with new. Shoot, a used sofa is not cheap if it’s in good condition. MIL wants me to use her old lady sofa. 

DumbPotters Hell

I also have to battle with Randy’s SSI, to get widows benefits. They love long waits on the phone. They not see people in person. But I need them to fix this. I’ve already had his last check. My $600 isn’t going to cover my obligations. I am not allowed to report his death to them. The mortuary has to do it. Ugh. I guess there’s a lot of fraud claims when people die. 

Our mountain

That will be enough frustration for one day. I’ll be so relieved when all the red tape and bullshit hoops are jumped. Well, enough crabbing. Loves

=:/

Good night

 Yeah, he’s gone. Of course my heart aches for him.  I can’t possibly tell you what he meant to me. He was the only man who loved me totally and completely, so caring and loving. The only thing we ever argued about was what show to watch. ❤️

 A small price to pay

He was a kind heart. With love for everyone. He was a Vet who loved this country. A man who loved with his whole heart. I have never been so loved and accepted with all my heart. He loved the homeless , the broken hearted and donated. He did what he could. My heat swells with pride for the man he was. 

 He was a true Christian. Non- judgement.  He understood. I believe he is in heaven, waiting for me...someday. But I have things yet to do. I am at peace. I am greatly loved and supported. 

What else could I possibly ask for? I’m  living in a 2 room vacation cabin. Roxy is with me. (Dog.)  She ticks to me like glue. I need that. She’s 14. I can’t ask for more. We both know what we’ve lost. But we are good for now. When she passes, I’ll get a French bulldog. That’s my speed these days. Lol

I’ll probably never find a man as true and loving.  It doesn’t matter. I have been so truly loved. 

 My advice to you... make a living will. Do it now. Let folks know what your choices are. DNR and all that. Randy forgot to change his life insurance.  So that goes to his ex. The one who cheated on him multiple times. Hack!  Hard pill for me to swallow. . He thought he had time. Yikes! But I won’t go against his wishes.  Do not resent it. I am good. His IRA is mine.  Not much, but it helps. No amount of money matters. He loves me. I love him.  That’s what I have to keep my peace. 

I keep busy with insurance, IRA, dealing with SreveMasters, contractors, etc. 

He left me with a nice home. I’ve redesigned my kitchen, which I never liked. I’ll end up with a nice remodeled home. I can hardly wait for it to be finished . I want to take Roxy home. 

Much love! 

Silly rabbit

=:]

 

 

 

 Hummmm... I tried to load a couple of photos, but the rats didn’t load. 

There it is!  I’m sorry to say that Randy died on December 22, 2020. 

He spent two and a half weeks in the Burn Unit  at Legacy Emanuel, one of the best in the country. The last time I got to speak to him, he was being put into the ambulance.  I yelled “I’ll follow you to the hospital!” The EMS looked at me and said “You can’t. COVID rules” . Fuuuuuccckk!

I didn’t get to say goodbye. I’m glad I’d told him earlier that day that I loved him.  His response was his typical “I know.” Followed by a quick kiss. That will have to do. 

They put him into an induced medical coma. I’m glad of that too, even though I never got to speak to him again. They did let me be with him at the burn unit with COVID precautions. They amputated his fingers on his left hand. He had corpse and his own skin to cover the burns. I wondered if the hair off his chest would grow in strange places. Ha! They decided when the leg grafts were not taking , that the best move was to amputate his legs. 

But as it happened he developed pneumonia, as burn victims often do. Two days later his stomach shut down. He could no longer process nutrients. It was brutally clear that his organs were shutting down. I was faced with the Most horrible choice of my life. 

I had his life support turned off. Enough suffering for Randy’s body. My Bear and I sat with him awhile, said all our hearts needed to say. Then gave his family some time. 

He never had to wake without his hand or legs. No nightmare reveal. He quietly and peacefully left all that behind. 

Oddly, I am at peace with all this. God is true to His Word. Randy was a good Christian with a huge heart, big enough to love all my children and grands as his own. I know he’s up in heaven with a new young body, , happy with no sorrows. 

Probably looking at boobs and butts, making friends wherever he goes. I’ve been to buy dealing with the house, insurances, my finances, which are up in the air. Telling ServeMasters what to try to save, what not. Going thru all the things Randy collected... I mean boxes and boxes! Yikes! 

I’ve got Stu in storage. ServeMasters began to haul off the mess and begin the gutting of the house. It’s black inside from smoke damage. Toxic. Yuck.

Roxy and I now abide in a two room vacation cabin about 45 miles away. It’s tiny. The floors are cold Always. Small or not, few can find me here. No one that I don’t want to retell the story to again.  A gazillion well meaning neighbors dropped in as we were sorting Randy’s things. I need a sanctuary and this fits the bill for now. It’s too peopley out there. I’m socially challenged on normal days. I’ve got a huge support group. It’s hard to escape even them. 😂 

I will be fine. I’ve lived on my own before. I have my pit bull should I need protection. Though if a threat comes up that includes a cheese burger, all bets are off. I’m standing my ground and pushing forward. 

Love to you all. =:]

 Well it’s been awhile since I was last here. Things got happy and busy. Time ran like a race horse. 

My blog has meant much to me. As Ananda Girl and the Silly Rabbit, I made my way thru a husband in prison, his release, the divorce, the kissing of frogs in my frog pond, finding my Prince, our wedding, hist stroke, physical rehab, then his stay in alcohol rehab and his happy return. 

Life was good. My blog petered out. I retired and life became a slow and easy normal. Then as we were leaving for the coast, he had sever grand mal seizures. Scary times indeed. A week in the hospital a d he was back to himself, armed with new medications. Life returned to happiness, rolling on. 

Then, on December 5, 2020, my son called to ask if I could drive him to the store. I grabbed my purse and opened the door to the garage. I wondered briefly what smelled hot. 

I near lost my mind when I saw that Randy was sitting in his recliner on fire. The table in font of him was on fire, completely engulfed. I grabbed him from behind and tugged and twisted him to the door and halfway outside. The left side of his face on down to his right leg were flaming. I beat the fire out with my naked hands but his right foot refused to subside. I tore the foam cover off of our outside faucet filled it twice with water and the fire stopped. 

Understand some things... I was yelling help, with no response. A thought popped into my head about rape. The brain is an amazing thing. It gave me this information... in case of rape, no one responds to cries of help, you should tell “fire”.  And I began to scream it until my neighbors responded. One hooked up the hose in an attempt to put the fire out. Another called 911. Two more helped me get Randy into a patio chair away from the fire. God bless them! 

We wrapped him in a blanket. He was in shocking could finally start to see details. 

He was grievously burnt. My own brain had given me protection via that weird slow motion. It seemed like forever before the fire truck and EMTs showed up. When they took him to the ambulance time shifted into fast mode. I grabbed a fireman to tell him that there was a full propane tank on the deck close to the kitchen. He ignored that. So I repeated that to another fireman.  They’re busy, my brain told me, protecting him and the house. Ugh. Brain told me to move my car across the street. I did. 

Right. When I was busy pulling Randy out, Roxy jumped over us both. She left for parts unknown, or so I thought. In reality, she left to find Boo, who lives down the street. She brought him to me. Great relief! Boo is my oldest son. He put Roxy in my car and covered her shivers with a blanket. He gave her water and a neighbor dogs kibbles.  She has food allergies. I worried briefly. Oo said that Bear, my daughter was on her way and paid for a motel room and would stay with me. 

The fire chief wanted to talk to me. Huh? Questions I had no answers to give. I didn’t know how it began. My brain protected me from small things, like the cause. Instead it gave me super focus on what was truly important. That Randy looked like he was screaming, but no sound came from his mouth. That his eyes bulged with fear and pain and I had to get him out. That parts of him were on fire and there was no time. No help yet. My hands did not feel the fire, as I slapped it down.  I could only respond to his need and suffering. I did not care about the house. Only Randy. He took my phone number. An EMT told me that because if COVID, that I could not follow him to the hospital. 

I stood stunned by that. Neighbors and my son surrounded me. I don’t even recall the nice things they said. I was too deep inside my own head. I was living in “what if... land. What if Boo hadn’t called for a ride? Randy could have been dead before I knew there was a fire. What if I had left ten minutes prior? Agonizing thoughts.why was I unable to cry? Shouldn’t I be crying? 

I was busy beating myself up . What sort of wife couldn’t cry? Why hadn’t I smelled fire sooner? Each thought a dagger in my heart. A lightening bolt to my brain. I was hungry and felt guilt. Never mind that I’d always eaten my feelings. I was a callous jerk! 

Yet I was subconsciously hearing the neighbors in the background. I was a hero running into the fire like that. Pshaw! Heroes understand what choices they make. I was a wife,  a woman in love who saw the unthinkable and I truly did not think. My brain took right over, making me into it’s insane puppet. For what I did with my hands, I hand only two burns. One in the shape of a heart. Love was my only motivation. Love moved me. And selfishness because I need him. 

They said I saved his life. But I was saving mine too. Other comments I pushed down... the ugly ones from somewhere behind me. Like the ones I punished myself asking. I’m sure they thought I couldn’t hear. But the subconscious brain is like a recorder.  I suppressed them for later examination. I have since forgiven all. Tragic circumstances challenge the best of us. 

An very kind man, the fire station Chaplin came to pray with me. He gave me a peace of the sort that can come only from God. I am so grateful for his comfort. And for Gods. 

My bear showed up then. Glad I was. I needed to leave. I needed to stop looking at my house. Our house. I needed to leave flashing lights, smoke and men taking axes to my once scantuary with my absent husband. It was time for the false mundane and normal. 

Motel 6 provided a small feeling of security. I left with almost nothing. My purse that endured my activities strapped across my chest and my ultimate comfort, my Roxie dog. We needed each other. I slept that night with her next to me. My hand trailing off the bed to touch her back. And Bear close in the next bed. 

Enough for now. I’ll return tomorrow...if anyone is reading or not. This is therapy for me. A cautionary tale for you. I hope it gives some understanding of the aftermath of a fire for those who experience it. I will tell you this, the Red Cross is full of saints, who give their all. The firemen are angels of mercy and I can never, ever thank them enough. Good neighbors are worth their weight in gold. If you are not God followers, I understand and ask only that you look at your life in COVID, be thankful and know that it can be far worse than this discomfort. For those of faith, I am telling you sure... God is a great comfort and I feel him deep in my soul. I thank God. May he bless you all. 

Much love,

Silly Rabbit =:]

There is nothing like family. 

I have been so busy! We decided to move.  I have never had such a crazy time moving.  The amount of stuff here is astounding. Worse, both the man and his mother are terrible about letting things go.
We had so many office things; shelves, storage, old programs, clip art, and others. Tons!

I got sneaky. I got up early and hauled off boxes and boxes of "things that are still good" to charity because we will never use them again. Someone should! Every room has been filled with things that are still good. I swear that I have given a whole household away.

How can we move into a smaller home if we don't reduce the clutter? Sheesh.


So that's been happening.  There's also been a clash of agendas.  Mine is to reduce clutter and get packing. But there were pauses, like pulling up the carpet that covers the office floor... to expose the oak flooring because that will help sell the house. Common sense said, pack the office and when all packing is done, worry about getting it ready to sell.

We don't use common sense. Let's leave it at that. So there have been detours along the way.

That includes weather issues. We are currently living in ice world.  My movers (my kids) can't get down to help. Then the gorge closed from snow storms. It's been a challenge.

That's why I haven't posted or lurked.  We are now hoping to move the day after Christmas. Cross your fingers and think good thoughts. I may be off until relocation. So happiest of holidays to you all!

HELLO BABY

A while back, we lost our grand dog, Sadie to cancer.  Many tears were shed.

She is greatly missed.

But this week, this happened!

Say hello to Layla.  She is so cute and soft and sweet. Bear and Mikey P were down with the kids to help us pack and Bear decided to surprise them with this little girl.

Spoiled dog has three blankets.

Roxy surprised us all by being very motherly to Layla. She laid down next to her crate the whole time she was here and nervously watched the children play with her. Roxy is getting old. She is 9 or 10 if her paperwork from LA can be believed.  We know she had at least one litter of pups and likely more. She still runs around like crazy now and then, but for much less time. She is also concerned about the move. She knows that something is going on, but not what. She spends much of her time with her head on my knee when I am sitting down, as if to say, don't leave me behind. Never, my friend. Never.

So we are in moving limbo. Half of the house is packed, and half is in the process.  I am making many trips to St. Vincent dePaul.  How can we have so much useless to us junk? I don't know, but St Vinnie's is the best at putting money to the poor and not to themselves, so they get my business.

I made a Thanksgiving meal for Bear's family  and Mom and Dad.  The guys worked hard and the Bear is amazing at packing and cleaning.  Mom kept Randy on task, which is not as easy as you'd think. They deserved it. There is nothing that I like more than the sound of happy family gabbing and eating all around me. 

Good thing. We have a "down here" family Thanksgiving on Saturday.  Something to look forward to.  The Bear and Mikey P said that they would be back in a week too. We shall see how that works out with school and their family up there.  Sometimes the best laid plans go wonky. When ever it happens, yay!

Have a wonder filled holiday. Be safe and be happy!

Hello, it's me!

Hello, it's me!

I know, I fell off the radar for about 2 years. Very stressful years. When I get stressed or depressed, everything else goes out the window.

I truly do not know if anyone will notice that I have returned.

Or if I am just sending words out into the web to dangle. It doesn't matter. Either way is fine. I just want to use my voice.

My husband had a stroke close to 4  years ago now.  I see those FB posts that ask "If your spouse became disabled, would you leave them?"  What a stupid freaking question. Not if  you love them. Duh. That being said, it is a difficult adjustment. We had a sudden, massive loss of his income... and a 3 year battle to get his disability to start.

Eventually it did and bills were paid, family repaid and we ate real food again. Yay! I was the only one working and the only one cleaning, keeping up a large yard etc. Being the only one who handles pretty much everything gets exhausting when times are difficult.

Working at the Big Dub-yah ended for me a few months ago. In 3 months I had been to the urgent care 3 times for work related injury. Tendons in my arms went crazy and my back had fire across it and down my leg. There wasn't a box I picked up or something I reached for that caused any one problem. The problem is that I'm getting old. I'm 62 and the Big Dub-yah was wearing me out before my time through overuse.

I left work one day feeling miserable physically and emotionally and when I tried to get up  the next day, my arms refused to lift and function. Just call me T-Rex. The doc said to do nothing at all for 10 days. This does not fit into the Big Dub-yah's idea of how long  you can miss work. You can bring in a note from your doctor, but unless you get cleared by the no pay time off police, you can be fired.

I did not give a damn. Fire me please! But they did not want to fire me. The day before I was supposed to return, I phoned to say that I wasn't. I "retired" without pay. 

You have no idea how much that elevated my attitude. Slowly I have become human again. My body still gets sore, but I can stop and wait for the pain to pass and then continue whatever I need to be doing. I am now waiting for my Social Security to begin... in a month or so. I have no faith in their ability to keep their date promises. If it shows up on time, I'll be thrilled.

Then, a little miracle happened. Our home that we live in is my husband's inheritance. There was, when we first became engaged, a total drama melt down by his daughter over thinking the house was hers. But as long as Grandma lived, it was Grandma's house.

No Grandma did not die and hopefully will not for a very long time. But what Grandma did do was come to a decision that she wanted to sell this house.  There is still money owed on it from a second mortgage. If she sold it, she could pay off the mortgage and pay for a house in full for us. A house that was not as large and hard to take care of... because it is a handful. Randy is to get his inheritance now instead of when she dies. 

Our house in our name, including mine. The deal is that if Randy dies first, I live in the house as long as I live. Then Randy's children can sell the house and split the money. And its all in writing. 

So we began to look for houses. The market here sucks. Not much is available. Then Mom suggests that we look where I used to live so that we can be closer to my kids and our grand kids. I have missed them so much! What a total joy.  My kids love Randy and he's Grandpa Fuzzy to their kids. The family we have here are not close. They live 10 minutes away and do not visit. (Residual divorce bitterness.)

So I called the Bear and together we began hunting the internet for houses in the Gorge. It was amazing how many nice homes were available. Mom was just as excited as we were. Two days later, Bear had a real estate agent lined up with a tour of possibilities. Off we went with Mom and Dad to look at houses.

The third one we saw was it. No doubt. Perfect for us in every way. 

It's got 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, dining, kitchen nook, living room, an oversized garage and a covered porch. There are already bars in place to help Randy go safely up the two stairs from the garage to the house and in the master bath. He has some balance issues. The shower is big enough for two people in the master bath... which is great because he needs help making sure he gets rinsed on his left side. His brain forgets that his left side exists.

So we are ready for a new adventure. The town we chose is not Dumb Potters Hell. It's further east. But close enough to Max and Eli (pictured above who still live there), the Bear who is 15 minutes west, and Boo who lives in the same town.

I go now to continue to pack... ugh. I hate moving. So much junk! Where does it come from?  BTW, my Ducks suck this year. I still love them. Sniffle. Roxy thinks something weird is going on and is watching to be sure that we don't run away again. Life is full of adventure once more, and I can hardly wait to experience what it holds.

Same time next week!