Hello again! I managed to get away for a few days, thanks to friends who live on a farm. It was nice to leave the city behind and just get in some relaxation with good people.

The picture above was taken on the way back. Its a little city that has dinosaurs everywhere. Need a loaf of bread, gas or chicken dinner? Dinos are waiting to help you find your way! We actually drove through here a year ago, but didn't take pictures. My grandson just about lost his mind over seeing them. I thought I 'd better stop and get the photos this time.

 They really are all over this little town. 

But we were on our way to the country to relax on the farm. We were greeted by this little individual.

Her tongue stuck out the whole time. She's elderly and very curious. There were other animals too. Ducks, chickens, cattle and my favorite... a pig named Bacon who loves having her ears scratched.

There is something wonderful about a rural setting. It's a big farm with corn on two sides. The cattle pasture is below a long lawn with a fire pit surrounded by comfortable benches and chairs. Perfect for fall evenings. Equally perfect for coffee around the fire in the morning. The other two sides of the farm look out across an expanse of fields with big mountains in the background. It was lovely.

We only stayed one night. I came home with a grocery bag full of fresh picked bell peppers and cookies. Their garden is pretty amazing. I'm sorry I didn't get a picture. 

You can see how brown the hills are this time of year in the Columbia River Gorge. I love it here. Those hills go through changes. Green as can be to brown and on to covered in snow and the show starts over.

 The river is fuller than usual. We are seeing a lot of change in our weather here. Summers are hotter. Climate change is really happening. I'm most concerned about the changes in river temps. Its not good for our salmon. There are many communities that rely on the salmon production being healthy. Most notably our Native Americans. Salmon does not just provide income, it is deeply embedded in their culture. I'd hate to see that change. 

The town where I live is dusty and dry this year. We normally have had several rain showers by now. But this year, the rain is just finally arriving. The higher temps have raised the level of the river from so much snow melt. I'm not sure if the rains will relieve the area or if they will cause flooding, which can then cause landslides. Ugh. 

It's still good to be in my own little home again. But you really cannot beat a visit to the country. 

 Hello whoever wandered in today! I've been gone a long time, so I don't expect much activity. 

A brief recap... My husband passed 1 year and 9 months ago from injuries from the fire we had in our home and resulted in my sort of homelessness for about 6 months. 

I moved home a bit over a year ago. People ask me "Isn't it weird living where your husband died?"

No. He passed away in a coma in a hospital over one hundred miles away. I would never fear the spirit of someone who loved me in life anyway. Kind of a rude question if you ask me. Sheesh!

They ask "Are you afraid to live alone?"  No. See that pink and white smiling pit bull up there? That's Piglet. She's my security crew and life companion. She's sweet as pie unless she senses unease in me or something amiss in our surroundings. This came in handy in a dark parking lot one night when we were living in motels after the fire. We were approached by two large homeless men from behind, asking me to let them into the motel security foyer. Piglet let out a low rumble that stopped them from coming closer. I've never heard a more disturbing sound. It stopped me in my tracks as well, since I had no idea that the men were behind me. Pig is with me and I am safe.

They ask "How are you?"  The meaning behind that are implies that I must be crackers by now. I am not fond of that question.

This brings us to the present. 

I am fine. I do miss Randy every single day. I always will. However, there is nothing to do but continue forward motion. When the fire happened, Mom (Who actually owns my house, allowing me to live here by her grace and kindness) told me to use the insurance money to make the house whatever I wanted it to be. It was fun to redesign my floor plan and add what I wanted where I wanted. I picked out everything from the floor up and out. Watching my plan unfold was a rare delight!

Halfway thru the remodel I was able to move back in. That doesn't normally happen due to insurance concerns and getting in the way of the workers. However, we used a contractor in the family and the workers were mostly family too. Except Richie, but he gets a pass due to his sense of humor. 

It was healing to have so many people around and all the clangs and bangs. The end result is a home that is calm and peaceful. One half expects to find a long beach and ocean when you step onto my deck. I wasn't able to live at the ocean, but I can recreate the feel of a terminal vacation. So that's what I aimed for at completion. I'm so glad that it satisfied my need for peace and contentment. It is perfect for me.

That pretty much brings you up to date. My world is smaller. People make me nervous. I'm in no hurry to be at large events or to travel alone. But that is okay with me. My greatest joy has always been my family. My son, Boo, lives a block away. He does my yard work along with his sister, Bear. I have two other sons, Swell and Squeaky who live 30 and 40 minutes away. We have cousin sleepover parties for their kids here roughly twice a month. My ex comes up to do handyman stuff. I pay for his services with home cooked meals that he craves. The kids call him "Old Man". The call me "Crazy Old Bat". These are terms of endearment. Ha!

There really isn't a lot going on to shout about on the day to day. Piglet is here only because of the prescription written by my doctor for an emotional support animal. Pit Bulls are not allowed in the 55+ community where I live. If you're a dog owner, you are aware of the let me out, let me in of dog ownership. Here, because of the rules, if Piglet is out, I must be out. I spend a lot of time on my patio that overlooks her private yard. She sleeps in the sun while I have my morning coffee and play my brain games. We do that off and on several times a day. It is important to me that she has a full and happy life. She has regular play dates with Squeaky's dog Bowie. And there is the river trail that she loves to walk. I've become a total pit bull mom. 

That's it for today. I'm not sure how often I will post, but at least once a week. So I'll leave you today with a very rare picture of myself as I look now. Give you a face for a change. 

Good news on the horizon!

The special envelope finally arrived and is on its way to the Social Security office. Once it is verified... my legal evidence of marriage to Randy... I will be awarded my widows benefits with back pay.

Yay! 

I also made a decision on my living arrangements and instead of staying in the cabin for another month, I’m going to move in with my daughter and her family. 

It’s not ideal. Bears MIL lives there too. Though, Sue Bob and I get along well. I like my privacy. What I don’t like is driving n hour each way to my home... just to check my mail or visit the doc. 

Nor do I care for paying $1,000 rent on the cabin on top of my regular home related expenses. I am rented here until the 10th. 

I can deal with the people I love for a month or so. I’ll still have a 30 minute drive to my house. That’s not awful. I actually spend a lot of time spying on my house. I crave seeing progress. As if I can hurry it along by staring at it. Serve Pro can watch me watching them. 

I’m not concerned about the remodeling as much as the clean up crew. The Bear and her man both work for my contractor. 

The plan is once Serve Pro is out, they will start with my master bedroom and master bathroom. It was the least smoke damaged part of the house. It needs new flooring and paint. Once that’s done, I can move back in, using it like a little apartment.

Both of my husbands were wood workers and I’m no stranger to construction noise. I’ll be snug as a bug. 

 

 A Rare Treat! Mama Janes

 

Mama Janes is my favorite restaurant. Open from 6:00 a.m. until 2:00 p.m.  The menus is breakfast and lunch fare. The food is excellent and the plates are as full as they can be. Home style cooking at its best! 

The theme is motorcycle inspired. The customers and staff are local and regular. Think “Cheers” but instead of beer, an endless pot of fresh coffee. No fru-fru, just a cup of Joe. 

When we shut the door on my partially burned house and completed the removal of everything that wouldn’t fall out if you turned it upside down and shook it, a good awful task, it was a big relief. Finally, the toxic cleaners would start cleaning. They showed up and it’s now a project in motion. YAY! 

The woman on the left is Orinda, my son, Nick’s fiancé. That of course is Nick. These two hauled away the last of the debris with the help of Bear. 

We celebrated by going to Mama Janes for a real sit down lunch with an actual waitress. COVID rules allow for outdoor dining. Outdoor in this case was an army tent. The tables are plenty far apart and the tent windows and doors are open. It was both weird and comfortable. The food, as always, was great. It’s been a year or more since I have dined out. I had the eggs Benedict. We all left with to go boxes, because no one can eat that much food in one sitting. 

Remember what it was like when restaurants were crowded, noisy and your food didn’t come in a to go box? Yep. Its close enough to that to feel like we had regained some normalcy. Is that a word? Ha! 

In the meantime I continue to struggle with waiting on the government to finalize my widows benefits, waiting for death certificates, etc.  Once I can produce a death certificate, we have death insurance to pay off a $5,000 loan. My dad always had death insurance on our house and loans when I was growing up. Smart man, my father. If you are buying your home and don’t have it, I’d advise getting it. It saves your spouse or yourself should tragic circumstances occur from a lot of stress. 

I hope soon to have less bummer subjects! 

COVID-19 is serious business! Wear a mask, get the shot. Do it. 

Depression is sucky

Two friends of mine are suffering with depression. One writes nonfiction and teaches writing courses. The other is a poet. I think that creative people are magnets to depression. I told them both to write their feelings, that I love and care about them. Call night or day. I know I’m chatty, but I can listen. 

 That’s a hell of a chicken! 

Today I go up river to my home town. I’ve got to pick up meds, check for mail and from there go north to spend the night at my daughter’s house.  She lives in a tinier town than Dumb Potters Hell. 

Google can’t even find it. Lol. 

We have lots of Ospreys and eagles near my home. I miss them, so I’ll sit for awhile and watch them.

Sometimes mountain lions show up in town. One found his way into a down town motel room. Unfortunately, she was put down. I’d rather they relocated her, but they do what they do. Now and then, one will attack and kill hikers and mountain bikers on the hiking trails. Nature, while stunningly beautiful has a terrible cost. Best to hike in groups. Single prey is their goal. 

Mother Nature throws some dirty tricks our way. This mudslide happed since the nw year. It claimed the life of one woman trying to flee. She was buried under 15 feet of liquid mountain. It is less than 15 miles down river from my cabin.  Pretty sobering. 

Oregon is still wild. I love it here despite the wild fires, the dangerous animals and raccoons tapping on the sliding glass door demanding a dish of cat food. Opossum scare me the most! They do not fall down and play dead for me. They hiss and charge with their needle teeth. I must look harmless running away. They are damn scary. But, they eat ticks, even Lyme diseased ticks. I appreciate that. 

Tonight the ex is grilling steaks at the Bears house Roxy will go with me. We have to trade Roxy and Layla, my grand dog, in and out of their crates. Roxy has no tolerance for frolicking boxers. 

Layla is a hoot! 

There is nothing like a dog for love and hilarious nonsense. 

Today

 I’ve forgotten how to live alone. What did I do before? 

 

This old beggar keeps me company. She’s silver faced these days. Her bark sounds like a frog burp. She walks slower, sleeps more but remains a great comfort, even when she waits for me to give her chicken bits from my chicken lo mein.  She’s sure it’s really her food but allows me to share. She gets doggie edibles CBD for her joints.  She can be stubborn when it’s time to come in from walks. Old but strong enough for tug of war. She’s my bestie . I do have human friends too. 

Remember Miss Bliss?

Life is either full blast and exhausting or so slow it’s boring. This cabin has crap internet that goes in and out. So I got myself a phone with a mobile hot spot. It’s reliable but I have to be careful of my usage or it slows way down. That frustrates me. I have never been a patient person. Probably because I have been spoiled most of my life.  Not recommended. When my first husband, the father of our 4 children was snatched out of our lives, we were dirt poor. I agonized over not being able to spoil them as much as I wanted to.  However, I believe that was a good thing now. Every single one of them are kind, compassionate and so giving. 

Me now

There’s such a thing as good solitary time. They want so much to help me and to lift my spirits. It can be overwhelming. Especially grand children. They give me joy, but their energy is exhausting. There are also many people who see me checking my house and mail who come to say nice things. I don’t mind that. They have good hearts. But I gotta tell you the lookie Lews make me crazy and mad. They want to know all the gory details, see the wreck of my house. I want to punch them in the noses. But I stand my ground and tell them that I’m not ready for that. These are people who didn’t know either of us. 

Tomorrow I will have a fast and crazy day. My son, Boo picks up my mail. He says that I have packages  to pick up. I’ll get those,. It’s a 45 minute drive each way up and back to Dumb Potters Hell. My house is at the east end of the gorge. The terrain turns from old growth Forrest to high plains dessert. It’s a twisty climb. The return is twisty down hill. Think bobsled race with cars.

Wild turkeys live here

 I have to call my MIL for the insurance claim number. He the guy in claims won’t accept my rent receipts without the number. He won’t even answer text messages. Ugh. I will get my money. He’s over $2,000 behind. I cannot afford to keep paying rent out of my savings. As is, the amount of my replacement of my things and furniture is only $2,500. Couch, chairs, mattresses, etc. I clearly will not have enough to replace them with new. Shoot, a used sofa is not cheap if it’s in good condition. MIL wants me to use her old lady sofa. 

DumbPotters Hell

I also have to battle with Randy’s SSI, to get widows benefits. They love long waits on the phone. They not see people in person. But I need them to fix this. I’ve already had his last check. My $600 isn’t going to cover my obligations. I am not allowed to report his death to them. The mortuary has to do it. Ugh. I guess there’s a lot of fraud claims when people die. 

Our mountain

That will be enough frustration for one day. I’ll be so relieved when all the red tape and bullshit hoops are jumped. Well, enough crabbing. Loves

=:/

Good night

 Yeah, he’s gone. Of course my heart aches for him.  I can’t possibly tell you what he meant to me. He was the only man who loved me totally and completely, so caring and loving. The only thing we ever argued about was what show to watch. ❤️

 A small price to pay

He was a kind heart. With love for everyone. He was a Vet who loved this country. A man who loved with his whole heart. I have never been so loved and accepted with all my heart. He loved the homeless , the broken hearted and donated. He did what he could. My heat swells with pride for the man he was. 

 He was a true Christian. Non- judgement.  He understood. I believe he is in heaven, waiting for me...someday. But I have things yet to do. I am at peace. I am greatly loved and supported. 

What else could I possibly ask for? I’m  living in a 2 room vacation cabin. Roxy is with me. (Dog.)  She ticks to me like glue. I need that. She’s 14. I can’t ask for more. We both know what we’ve lost. But we are good for now. When she passes, I’ll get a French bulldog. That’s my speed these days. Lol

I’ll probably never find a man as true and loving.  It doesn’t matter. I have been so truly loved. 

 My advice to you... make a living will. Do it now. Let folks know what your choices are. DNR and all that. Randy forgot to change his life insurance.  So that goes to his ex. The one who cheated on him multiple times. Hack!  Hard pill for me to swallow. . He thought he had time. Yikes! But I won’t go against his wishes.  Do not resent it. I am good. His IRA is mine.  Not much, but it helps. No amount of money matters. He loves me. I love him.  That’s what I have to keep my peace. 

I keep busy with insurance, IRA, dealing with SreveMasters, contractors, etc. 

He left me with a nice home. I’ve redesigned my kitchen, which I never liked. I’ll end up with a nice remodeled home. I can hardly wait for it to be finished . I want to take Roxy home. 

Much love! 

Silly rabbit

=:]