Friday, February 7, 2014


Time for an update.
I hope to be back writing regularly soon.
This will have to do for now...
so that you know that I have every intention of
I have forgotten no one.
I miss you all.

First the most devastating of newses...
(is that even a word; newses?)
I still cannot believe that we lost laura b.
Seems impossible with someone so young and full of exuberance. 
You know this news of course.
I wanted to say something.
I miss you laura b.
I miss  your brightness and your joy in sharing...
that wonderful sense of fun.

Then the most incomprehensible of news,
I lost my father.
I know, he was 87 years old for heaven's sake.
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
But my father was a man who worked hard all his life.
Not because he had to, but because he chose to.
He liked physical activity and kept very active.

Its the way he died.
He hardly ever got sick.
But, this year he got shingles.
You hear a lot about them.
Related to chicken pox.
The virus that many mothers purposely exposed their children to
when young because it is easier on the young than adults.

That's what killed my otherwise healthy father.
His shingles showed up on his head and 
curved down his face following an angry nerve.
It caused swelling in his brain...
then brain damage.

He went from a healthy and fun old man to 
instant dementia with very little sense of reality.
He was frightened and scared much of the end of his life.
He briefly entered into reality to tell us very directly
"I don't want to live like this."
He stopped eating.
We let him without challenge.
As per his living will, no attempts to feed him were made.
 He died in his sleep after about a week.

I am still getting used to this.
One of those thoughts that feel too expansive
to be in your head.
But I was at peace with his death
when it happened.
No one should end their life frightened
 and feeling like they are with strangers.

He was a good dad.
I'm glad he was mine.
Event when I pissed him off royally...
he was still there for me.

Who knew?


We are still fighting for Randy's Disability.
We hired lawyers.
The claim was refiled after he was turned down.
Everyone says they always turn you down the first time.
Yeah, whatever.
I am sick of waiting for Disability.
I am sick of lawyers who claim they can rush things.
It has almost been a year.

On the sunny side...
Randy is all set with his VA health insurance now.
They will help pay off some of the stroke bills.
Plus he has medical care that won't kill us to use.
My health insurance sucks.
I have a $1,750 deductible.

Our taxes are filed and we are not getting much,
but it beats sitting on a tack.
It will help pay those pesky bills.

We were going up to bury my Dad this weekend.
But we have much snow up here...
which scared off my Cali family.
The mortuary will do it alone.
I do not like this.

If I can.
If the snow will allow me to...
I will be there to watch until the last clump

The sunny part of that will be seeing my kids and their kids.





  1. I am such a Daddy's girl. My Daddy will be 88 in August, and he is in great health. To think that something that tragic and quick can and did happen to your Dad just breaks my heart.
    I am so very sorry. My heartfelt condolences to you.

    1. Thank you Jackie. I was able to get up there before his dementia overtook him and say things I needed to say. That I loved him and why. That is what is important. Like a good friend of mine said. You take the good memories and cherish them and let the other ones go.

  2. Oh, I'm so, so sorry about your father. That's a cruel way to go. I'm glad you abided by his wishes. I have had a number of patients in their 40's and 50's getting shingles recently, along with my brother and brother-in-law. I went and got the vaccine.

    And I miss Laura, too. In fact, I just went back yesterday to leave a note on her blog telling her so. Seems surreal that she's gone.

    1. Oops - that was me, signed into the wrong account!

    2. Thank you Secret Agent Woman. I am going to get the vaccine too, when my tax return shows up. I now have the worst medical insurance ever, with a $1,750 deductible that hardly covers anything! I might spend that much by the end of the year if I break a bone or have to have something major done. Mostly, I just take medication and have blood work done twice a year. But at least mamos and AC1s are free.
      I have seen people try to hang onto dying family. You cannot stop what is terminal. I learned that lesson with my mother's passing. By the end of her cancer, I wanted her to go to get out of the pain she was in. I understood his wishes very well.

      It is surreal to have laura b. missing!

  3. I'm very sorry about your father. I almost lost my Dad when I graduated college and it was devestating going through the what ifs. To this day, it's my biggest fear.

    I am still in shock over laura b, I was visiting my parents when I heard the news via Facebook and I went upstairs to my old bedroom and just sobbed until my husband came up to look for me. Everytime I blog now, I have expect laura to stop by and comment.

    1. Thank you catskillblogger. It is devastating to see someone you love suffer and no know how things will turn out.
      I too cried when laura b passed. It seems so unlikely and like you, I too keep looking for her posts and comments.

  4. Really sorry about the loss of your father, Becky, and the loss of your friend. Hope things get cleared up for Randy with his disability. I heard the same thing about them turning everyone down the first time. Hang in there and again my condolences for your loss. Take care.

  5. i am so sorry to hear about your dad. yes, he may have had a long, full life but i can understand that you'd be sad about the way he went. i am glad you have peace though and i hope the funeral gathered in many people who made you feel loved. may you have the comfort you need in the moments you need it most.

    sorry you're also having to fight so hard for disability. hod frustrating that must be. hang in there and know you are missed. we'll be here when you are ready to come back.

  6. very sorry to hear about your father. i've dealt with insurance companies that didn't reject the claim but kept asking for more information which in effect was refusing the claim but you can't dispute a request for more information.

  7. I am so sorry to hear about all that is going on.

  8. Hey you. Have a great weekend.

  9. I am glad you were able to let your father follow his wishes. Horrible that he had to do that and I am very sorry.

    Also in shock about Laura.

  10. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I haven't taken the shingles vaccine myself, but your post has affected me enough to get 'er done.

  11. Me again. Hope all is well silly rabbit.