Depression is sucky

Two friends of mine are suffering with depression. One writes nonfiction and teaches writing courses. The other is a poet. I think that creative people are magnets to depression. I told them both to write their feelings, that I love and care about them. Call night or day. I know I’m chatty, but I can listen. 

 That’s a hell of a chicken! 

Today I go up river to my home town. I’ve got to pick up meds, check for mail and from there go north to spend the night at my daughter’s house.  She lives in a tinier town than Dumb Potters Hell. 

Google can’t even find it. Lol. 

We have lots of Ospreys and eagles near my home. I miss them, so I’ll sit for awhile and watch them.

Sometimes mountain lions show up in town. One found his way into a down town motel room. Unfortunately, she was put down. I’d rather they relocated her, but they do what they do. Now and then, one will attack and kill hikers and mountain bikers on the hiking trails. Nature, while stunningly beautiful has a terrible cost. Best to hike in groups. Single prey is their goal. 

Mother Nature throws some dirty tricks our way. This mudslide happed since the nw year. It claimed the life of one woman trying to flee. She was buried under 15 feet of liquid mountain. It is less than 15 miles down river from my cabin.  Pretty sobering. 

Oregon is still wild. I love it here despite the wild fires, the dangerous animals and raccoons tapping on the sliding glass door demanding a dish of cat food. Opossum scare me the most! They do not fall down and play dead for me. They hiss and charge with their needle teeth. I must look harmless running away. They are damn scary. But, they eat ticks, even Lyme diseased ticks. I appreciate that. 

Tonight the ex is grilling steaks at the Bears house Roxy will go with me. We have to trade Roxy and Layla, my grand dog, in and out of their crates. Roxy has no tolerance for frolicking boxers. 

Layla is a hoot! 

There is nothing like a dog for love and hilarious nonsense. 

Today

 I’ve forgotten how to live alone. What did I do before? 

 

This old beggar keeps me company. She’s silver faced these days. Her bark sounds like a frog burp. She walks slower, sleeps more but remains a great comfort, even when she waits for me to give her chicken bits from my chicken lo mein.  She’s sure it’s really her food but allows me to share. She gets doggie edibles CBD for her joints.  She can be stubborn when it’s time to come in from walks. Old but strong enough for tug of war. She’s my bestie . I do have human friends too. 

Remember Miss Bliss?

Life is either full blast and exhausting or so slow it’s boring. This cabin has crap internet that goes in and out. So I got myself a phone with a mobile hot spot. It’s reliable but I have to be careful of my usage or it slows way down. That frustrates me. I have never been a patient person. Probably because I have been spoiled most of my life.  Not recommended. When my first husband, the father of our 4 children was snatched out of our lives, we were dirt poor. I agonized over not being able to spoil them as much as I wanted to.  However, I believe that was a good thing now. Every single one of them are kind, compassionate and so giving. 

Me now

There’s such a thing as good solitary time. They want so much to help me and to lift my spirits. It can be overwhelming. Especially grand children. They give me joy, but their energy is exhausting. There are also many people who see me checking my house and mail who come to say nice things. I don’t mind that. They have good hearts. But I gotta tell you the lookie Lews make me crazy and mad. They want to know all the gory details, see the wreck of my house. I want to punch them in the noses. But I stand my ground and tell them that I’m not ready for that. These are people who didn’t know either of us. 

Tomorrow I will have a fast and crazy day. My son, Boo picks up my mail. He says that I have packages  to pick up. I’ll get those,. It’s a 45 minute drive each way up and back to Dumb Potters Hell. My house is at the east end of the gorge. The terrain turns from old growth Forrest to high plains dessert. It’s a twisty climb. The return is twisty down hill. Think bobsled race with cars.

Wild turkeys live here

 I have to call my MIL for the insurance claim number. He the guy in claims won’t accept my rent receipts without the number. He won’t even answer text messages. Ugh. I will get my money. He’s over $2,000 behind. I cannot afford to keep paying rent out of my savings. As is, the amount of my replacement of my things and furniture is only $2,500. Couch, chairs, mattresses, etc. I clearly will not have enough to replace them with new. Shoot, a used sofa is not cheap if it’s in good condition. MIL wants me to use her old lady sofa. 

DumbPotters Hell

I also have to battle with Randy’s SSI, to get widows benefits. They love long waits on the phone. They not see people in person. But I need them to fix this. I’ve already had his last check. My $600 isn’t going to cover my obligations. I am not allowed to report his death to them. The mortuary has to do it. Ugh. I guess there’s a lot of fraud claims when people die. 

Our mountain

That will be enough frustration for one day. I’ll be so relieved when all the red tape and bullshit hoops are jumped. Well, enough crabbing. Loves

=:/

Good night

 Yeah, he’s gone. Of course my heart aches for him.  I can’t possibly tell you what he meant to me. He was the only man who loved me totally and completely, so caring and loving. The only thing we ever argued about was what show to watch. ❤️

 A small price to pay

He was a kind heart. With love for everyone. He was a Vet who loved this country. A man who loved with his whole heart. I have never been so loved and accepted with all my heart. He loved the homeless , the broken hearted and donated. He did what he could. My heat swells with pride for the man he was. 

 He was a true Christian. Non- judgement.  He understood. I believe he is in heaven, waiting for me...someday. But I have things yet to do. I am at peace. I am greatly loved and supported. 

What else could I possibly ask for? I’m  living in a 2 room vacation cabin. Roxy is with me. (Dog.)  She ticks to me like glue. I need that. She’s 14. I can’t ask for more. We both know what we’ve lost. But we are good for now. When she passes, I’ll get a French bulldog. That’s my speed these days. Lol

I’ll probably never find a man as true and loving.  It doesn’t matter. I have been so truly loved. 

 My advice to you... make a living will. Do it now. Let folks know what your choices are. DNR and all that. Randy forgot to change his life insurance.  So that goes to his ex. The one who cheated on him multiple times. Hack!  Hard pill for me to swallow. . He thought he had time. Yikes! But I won’t go against his wishes.  Do not resent it. I am good. His IRA is mine.  Not much, but it helps. No amount of money matters. He loves me. I love him.  That’s what I have to keep my peace. 

I keep busy with insurance, IRA, dealing with SreveMasters, contractors, etc. 

He left me with a nice home. I’ve redesigned my kitchen, which I never liked. I’ll end up with a nice remodeled home. I can hardly wait for it to be finished . I want to take Roxy home. 

Much love! 

Silly rabbit

=:]

 

 

 

 Hummmm... I tried to load a couple of photos, but the rats didn’t load. 

There it is!  I’m sorry to say that Randy died on December 22, 2020. 

He spent two and a half weeks in the Burn Unit  at Legacy Emanuel, one of the best in the country. The last time I got to speak to him, he was being put into the ambulance.  I yelled “I’ll follow you to the hospital!” The EMS looked at me and said “You can’t. COVID rules” . Fuuuuuccckk!

I didn’t get to say goodbye. I’m glad I’d told him earlier that day that I loved him.  His response was his typical “I know.” Followed by a quick kiss. That will have to do. 

They put him into an induced medical coma. I’m glad of that too, even though I never got to speak to him again. They did let me be with him at the burn unit with COVID precautions. They amputated his fingers on his left hand. He had corpse and his own skin to cover the burns. I wondered if the hair off his chest would grow in strange places. Ha! They decided when the leg grafts were not taking , that the best move was to amputate his legs. 

But as it happened he developed pneumonia, as burn victims often do. Two days later his stomach shut down. He could no longer process nutrients. It was brutally clear that his organs were shutting down. I was faced with the Most horrible choice of my life. 

I had his life support turned off. Enough suffering for Randy’s body. My Bear and I sat with him awhile, said all our hearts needed to say. Then gave his family some time. 

He never had to wake without his hand or legs. No nightmare reveal. He quietly and peacefully left all that behind. 

Oddly, I am at peace with all this. God is true to His Word. Randy was a good Christian with a huge heart, big enough to love all my children and grands as his own. I know he’s up in heaven with a new young body, , happy with no sorrows. 

Probably looking at boobs and butts, making friends wherever he goes. I’ve been to buy dealing with the house, insurances, my finances, which are up in the air. Telling ServeMasters what to try to save, what not. Going thru all the things Randy collected... I mean boxes and boxes! Yikes! 

I’ve got Stu in storage. ServeMasters began to haul off the mess and begin the gutting of the house. It’s black inside from smoke damage. Toxic. Yuck.

Roxy and I now abide in a two room vacation cabin about 45 miles away. It’s tiny. The floors are cold Always. Small or not, few can find me here. No one that I don’t want to retell the story to again.  A gazillion well meaning neighbors dropped in as we were sorting Randy’s things. I need a sanctuary and this fits the bill for now. It’s too peopley out there. I’m socially challenged on normal days. I’ve got a huge support group. It’s hard to escape even them. 😂 

I will be fine. I’ve lived on my own before. I have my pit bull should I need protection. Though if a threat comes up that includes a cheese burger, all bets are off. I’m standing my ground and pushing forward. 

Love to you all. =:]